Ladies & Gentlemen, This Is Your Captain Speaking

Traveling enlightens the mind and soul. I love traveling. It's my spending priority aside from food, green products and rent. I've developed a routine before traveling which varies depending on my destination/s. Tonight I'm braving a red-eye flight from LAX to BWI with a final destination of York, PA. Sounds exciting, doesn't it? It's not. But the people I meet (new nephew!) and visit (friends and family!) are. In my usual fashion of needing to escape my hometown after one day, I'll be strapping myself into my step-dad's mother's hefty Chevy Lumina and driving about 100 miles to Philadelphia, my beloved stomping ground from 2001-2006.

So what's this routine of mine?

A standard stream of musings flood my mind a couple weeks before a hometown trip. Here's a taste of the scatter.

• What kinds of treats should I request be fully stocked in my mom's kitchen upon my arrival?

• Did I buy treats for the niece and nephew?

• Who do I want to see?

• Who do I need to see?

• Who can I avoid?

• Who will undoubtedly message me to hang out that I must avoid at all costs?

• How can I avoid attending any bars?

• How can I avoid the mall?

• How can I avoid the grocery store?

• Which one of my friends will host Lloydpalooza this time?

• How will I continue my diet and exercise regimen while away from home? (That answer is easy: I won't. I will return a few pounds heavier and need to spin every day, twice, to undo the horrors I've done to my body in one week.)

• Will Grandpa Denzil remember me?

• If Grandpa Denzil doesn't remember me, who should I pretend to be?

• How will I handle humidity? 

Tasty. After those important queries, I ponder packing. Then I start making lists.

Obviously, I'm only carrying-on luggage. I refuse to: 1) Pay to check my luggage. 2) Wait in line to check my bags. 3) Wait in line to retrieve my bags.

• How many pairs of underwear should I pack? Will I need extras? It is going to be humid...

• How many pairs of leggins should I bring?

• Sleepwear? Jeans? Dresses? Shirts? Shoes? Sandals? Socks? Jewelry?

• Workout wear? (I typically bring two outfits which I may use during the first day or two of my trip. I don't see them again until I'm packing to leave.)

• Should I bring my own all-natural, toxin-free toiletries or brave those supplied to me?

My list becomes very detailed, identifying the exact number of everything I should bring, right down to the undergarments. It's helpful, organized and responsible. And maybe a little overkill.

On the day of my flight, like today, I begin dreading the possible monstrosities I may encounter on the plane. The Farter. The Crier. The Back of Seat Kicker. The Vomiter. The Constant Pee'er. The Talker. The Fatty. The Shower Hater. The Active Sleeper. Which one will I enjoy tonight and into tomorrow morning?

Fingers, toes and eyes crossed that tonight, as my window seat beckons my heavy head, the seat to my left is empty, the air a comfortable temperature and free of human stink, sleep consumes me and I awaken just as we touch ground to be greeted by my brother and niece.